It is strange how Christmas can really highlight how alone you feel. Even when surrounded by family or great nights out with friends, we can still feel pangs of a deep sadness from an unmet need. There are many reasons for this, beginning with our family of origin and extending out into the society in which we live today. Yet blaming our society or our parents does not help to shift the feeling that can grow into a strong feeling of depression or obsessive fixation on someone who will make the difference.
Siobhan's Story
Siobhan had been married for 7 years and had just recently separated and then divorced. She left her husband Michael because she knew there was something missing - in her words: "There is so much about me that he just doesn't get". She yearned for a deep connection with another human being and even though she had that with her children, it wasn't the same as with a man. At the end of her marriage she did meet someone, Luke, and this was what convinced her she needed more than her husband could offer her.
With Luke and Siobhan it was love at first sight - the chemistry was amazing and they were drawn together like magnets. Luke was exciting and dangerous but she felt safe with him. Siobhan opened herself up to the connection and a short fling ensued. She described it: "I feel like a runaway train and frankly I don't care about the consequences". Soon enough, in fact, sooner than she would have liked, Luke went off. To him, they had a great time, but that was it. He was off to conquer other things. In a way, Siobhan didn't mind. It wasn't like she was in love with him and certainly he wasn't the ideal partner for her, but the problem was, it left a large gaping hole. A hole that her husband could not fill and a hole she couldn't seem to fill up herself. She made as many changes as she could in her life, but realized these were merely distractions. As soon as she stopped, she felt it again - the aching loneliness.
Two years passed from her separation and she found herself becoming increasingly depressed. She longed for a man to come along and sweep her off her feet, to make her feel better and take the pain away. Certainly she met men, but none of them touched that deep place inside her.
It was at this point she began speaking with me, totally at her wit's end and feeling that she would never find peace. At first it was difficult to get Siobhan to stop searching for her 'knight in shining armor'. This pattern led her into lurching from one disappointment to another. None of the men she met were the 'right' ones and she was beginning to give up all hope. I knew instinctively that there was a life partner for Siobhan and that he would enter her life when the timing was right.
Synchroncity
Synchronicity is a term coined by Psychologist Carl Jung to describe the magical way that outer events in our life, like meeting someone special or discovering your true destiny path, appear spontaneously when our inner emotional and spiritual state is ready. Going back to Siobhan and her loneliness, surely this must mean her soul mate should appear! She was certainly ready and looking for him. Not quite. In fact, what was going on in Siobhan's inner state reflected feelings that were not being met. Apply the laws of synchronicity to that and you have men who couldn't meet her needs appearing in her life.
Does this mean one has to be fully sorted out and completely happy within oneself before a real relationship will manifest?
Yes and No. Firstly, let's look at the 'Yes'.
Meeting your Unmet Needs
After a few sessions it came out that Siobhan had been overlooked as a child. Her parents were under a lot of financial strain and her father chose to deal with this through drowning is sorrows in alcohol. This left her mother with the entire responsibility of taking care of the family. Siobhan's mother did not have the patience, time or energy to deal with the little emotional ups and downs that are so important in a child's life. Siobhan learnt to adapt to this and eventually she kept her feelings to herself and learned to take care of a lot of her own needs. It wasn't that she didn't feel loved; she just missed out on some crucial focus and attention at important times in her life.
We worked through the feelings that experience had left Siobhan with: a belief that people cannot see her needs or they won't be capable of meeting them, even if they do see them. Siobhan slowly began to realize the root causes of these beliefs as being grounded in her early childhood experiences. As we plucked the beliefs one by one out of her subconscious and brought them into her awareness, she began to see how she blocked out people who could help her and potentially meet her needs. She realized that she created a self-sufficient image and then projected it out into the world. Then when someone got close to her, she would open up this enormous well of need that she had been saving up. Naturally the men who were attracted to Miss Self-Sufficient well ill-equipped to deal with her emotions. Siobhan began to allow herself to have needs and even to name them. At first it was extremely painful but then slowly it became easier and easier and she found herself able to accept her needs - and she said to me, "Now I feel normal, like I'm not pretending any more and it's ok to have needs. Just because Mum couldn't be there and Dad didn't want to be, doesn't mean that my needs were wrong." Siobhan's needs weren't wrong - they were perfectly normal and natural. Her acceptance of them meant she could allow someone to see them and perhaps meet them one day.
Now for the 'No' part of the answer to Jung's Synchronicity question. Do I have to wait until I am completely sorted out and happy on my own?
Of course not - I doubt anyone truly gets to this point anyway. In truth, we all need each other and we all learn from one another. Some people you attract will reveal things to you and some will play a much stronger and deeper role in your life. The synchronicity is always there, walking with you as you journey through life, helping you to clear away negative and limiting patterns and learn to move to a deeper and more fulfilling level of self-acceptance. As you stop fighting against the things that are going wrong in your life, maybe it is loneliness at Christmas, you will realize that what you need right now is all around you. Embrace it and grow
