We hear people talk about others 'making a rod for their own back'. This implies an observation about how someone is 'their own worst enemy' or making unnecessarily hard work of something that ought to be easier. You appear, in some way, to be making more of a tense situation and being too hard on yourself. You deserve to feel prouder and more optimistic about a plan that you currently feel requires you to feel apologetic toward. Pride and optimism are coming.