This article looks at how to approach being single with less resistance and shows how acceptance is not despairing resignation, rather it can help accelerate us towards whatever new cycle we are moving towards.
Yes it’s true I did just coin or make up my own word “relationshipless.” I have even added it to my Microsoft Word spellchecker so that now, when I type it in, I no longer get a red line underneath it. I am defining being relationshipless as not having a romantic partner. When I do psychic readings I get many clients who are relationshipless and, more often than not, are looking to get out of this position. I also have clients that are in relationships and are afraid of being relationshipless. Relationshipless is not, from my experience, a popular space.
The ways of responding to relationshipless
When people are relationshipless they tend to swing between two states: anxiously searching for love and despondently not being bothered anymore. As a person tires of one phase, they swing into the other. It seems to be a never-ending cycle of despair.
It is possible when looking at being relationshipless, to say “Where I am today, without a loving partner, is exactly where I need to be” How can this be so? Well because, to put it plainly, this is exactly where you are. To explain further the universe gives and provides you with everything you need in a perfect order; so, if you didn’t need to be in this position you wouldn’t be. The problem is not being relationshipless, the problem is your problem with it.
The importance of non-resistance
There is a basic law of life, so to speak, that, in my experience, seems to be true. This is the Resistance-Persistence Law. According to this Law, the more we resist something the bigger the issue seems to be and the larger it becomes. It hangs around and won’t let go. It’s like when you give a dog a bone and aggressively try to pull it from its mouth. The harder you pull the more the dog holds on tightly. If you then stop pulling and just gently move the bone around in its mouth, it seems to simply let go (at least my dog does this, so, try it out). The universe has order and the way it works is that when we force, push, resist, argue and cry “Stop” then it seems to bring on whatever it is we are resisting even more forcefully. It is almost saying “surrender to, or else.”
So, when relationshipless, the key is to let go of the anxious search and the despair and accept the order of the Universe.
Letting go is not resignation
However, here it is important to make a distinction between letting go and resignation. You are letting go of struggle but not resigning yourself to a banal life of solitude. To say “I am at peace with being relationshipless” is not choosing to be lonely forever, it is just accepting where you are and choosing to enjoy that place. It is working on the premise that the universe knows what it is doing and that there is reason and purpose as to why you are relationshipless. That reason and the path forward have yet to unfold.
If you are struggling with being relationshipless, then this can be a very liberating concept. Adopting this position will lighten your feelings. No longer will you hold the massive burden of pitting yourself against life in an effort to change your position. You will joyfully and humbly just work with where you are.
I’ve previously discussed that your position is part of the universal order and that the best thing to do is accept being relationshipless and work with “where you are.” Let’s expand on this concept and solution.
Getting what we want is not the answer
Life unfolds from the present. If we cant enjoy where we are now we wont enjoy where we will be in the future. The biggest mistake that we make is thinking that somehow when we reach another space or get what we want our anxiety and problems will disappear. But that is not how it works.
We have a checklist of desires and wants and are convinced that somehow when all of the boxes are ticked we will no longer feel anxious; but, surprise, surprise, we tick the box “find love of life” and then we then start to worry about the fact that their mother lives next door, or that they spend too much time at football etc. etc. That’s the way anxiety works, it never is about reality, it is about our internal insecurity. When we have satisfied one desire, our anxiety and insecurity will surface somewhere else in our lives.
Facing our insecurities benefits us long-term
This is the challenge of accepting and enjoying being relationshipless: t forces you to have a look at how you feel inside yourself. Wishing our way out of being relationshipless is a subtle way of saying to ourselves: I feel empty, unfulfilled and insecure because of something out there and when it is different I won’t feel this way. So our energy is invested in altering and manipulating external reality to waylay our insecurities. When we say relationshipless is good for now, it is what I need, we then have to take on those insecure feelings independent of external events. It is more of challenge for sure but in the long run its worth it.
When we find the peace that comes from knowing how whole we really are, then it is something we carry with us for the rest of our lives. It makes us more enjoyable people to be with, better partners, better friends and better family members. Unresolved insecurities have a way of making us act selfishly as we are preoccupied with filling the hole in our soul.
Trust in life and the positive will come to you
Try this exercise just for today: accept and surrender to where you are. The funny thing is that if there is going to be change of a positive and lasting nature it will more than likely happen within this frame of mind than in the struggling state of mind that comes with resistance. Know that whatever is in front of you is a case of “this too, is good”; meaning this is right and correct. This is what I need right now to grow.
It is a scary thought as we believe that unless we are actively building and planning our future, happiness that it will never come. Yet when we examine positive friendships, relationships and experiences in our lives we can see that, more often than not, they emerge from the spontaneous magic of life. The party we meticulously plan for months can never live up to our expectations; yet, a surprise visit from some friends turns out to be one of the best nights of your life. Life is, by its very nature, a spontaneous event. Our desire to control comes from a part of us that doesn’t trust in life’s natural goodness.
By being at peace with being relationshipless we are putting trust in life. We are saying that, by enjoying where I am life will bring to me who and what I need when I need it. So we nurture a non-resistance to what life has before us; we embrace it with gratitude, with love and kindness. So be the happiest relationshipless person in the world; enjoy it, live it, be it. Then, when the time comes to be with another you will enjoy it, live it, be it. Trust in life, give yourself to what’s in front of you. The rest of life will work it out for you.